The Docket

Plaintiff: I put my pb & kraut sandwich in the steamer like I always do, and when I came back after reading the daily stormer, it was gone and his breath smelled like cabbage. He ate it!

Defendant: Nuh uh! It was out pet salamander.

Plaintiff: Last time I got drinks with my friend, I paid. It cost over $6. Now we're at a high-end cocktail bar getting absolutely HAMMERED, and he refuses to pick up the tab!

Defendant: When he bought the drinks, we each split a soda water and some peanuts. This time, we got bottle service and the bill is over $25,000. I think it'd be fair if he threw in $10 or so.

Plaintiff: He claims he’s going to wear them again but if that’s true then fold them in his clean clothes pile?? Am I crazy?

Defendant: I do not! I put my SEMI-CLEAN clothes ON the dirty clothes hamper, draping over the side, which clearly indicates that they're not completely dirty but not totally clean either. I rest my case, your honors.

Plaintiff: She takes up at least 75% of the bed and I get no room. I'm just stuck in the corner left to fend for myself and she steals the blanket from me too! Tell me I'm not crazy and she's in the wrong here.

Defendant: I deserve more space because I'm the girl and I need my beauty sleep